Two worlds and a Veggie Sandwich

My husband walked out of the door and I shut it behind him. I locked it so, no one could make ones way into the house. I looked at the empty walls and clean floor. I saw nothing but my luggage scattered around the house. I washed my face and made a coffee for myself. I sat on the floor and looked through the patio window. I saw no one on the roads. All I could hear was the ticking of the clock and the noise of roaring heater. Tears found their way out and memories started smothering me.

Just a few months ago, I looked at mirror and saw that beautiful face with glow.  “Are you ready?” asked my mom whom my dad and sister accompanied. Yes. I replied to all and most importantly to myself. I am ready. Ready for marriage. Ready for a life ahead with a man whom I know for less than few months. Ready for a life in a different country. Ready for everything that is going to happen from now on. I opened the door and walked into the wedding hall.

“Surprise” shouted my friends who worked their way to get into my house and decorate it for my birthday  three  years ago. I had many such pleasant birthdays and was earning enough to throw small size parties once in a while. I had  friends who would never forget to surprise me on my birthdays and get me tickets for the movies and more importantly bear my PMS tantrums. My paychecks were not fat, but neither were they  anorexic. They had perfect BMI to pay my bills and buy me Oh-I-love-this-dress. My weekends were packed with trips to near by tourist spots and lunches and dinners and parties in India. I was always on the move with my tiny little two-wheeler that accompanied me everywhere I went. I was always surrounded by people and could listen to the whistling of rice cookers even at 11 pm.

But, now, I am all by myself. I can’t go out because it  is cold outside. Cold that I experienced only when I opened refrigerators. Where am I now? What I am supposed to do? Do I need this forced break from my hectic schedules? Can I go out on my own? Do I have money to fulfill my sweet nothings? Where are my friends?

I am in the USA, which is a dream for many youngsters. A free nation that lets everyone live the way they wish to. But do I really need this unwanted freedom? Am I blessed or cursed? My VISA status doesn’t allow me  to work. I am sadly called as a “dependent” and that is what my Visa says. Yes, for someone who comes as a spouse to someone with working visa is called as dependent. And that is what I am right now.

When my parents were looking for a groom for me, I was hell bent on not getting married to someone who lives out of my city. No. Never. I have everything I want. So, why will I leave all and move? Never-ever. But here I am in the United States of America.

It all happened when I met this guy. Got swept off my feet. Parents liked us. Wedding date fixed. Got married. Boom. In a whirlwind of actions that happened in less than a month, I am in the other part of the world. My husband left for US before me as he couldn’t take leave from his work for longer period. I was by myself to travel into a country just to be with a stranger whom I just got married to.

As I came out of the airport, my husband received me with a bunch of flowers and gave me coat, hat, gloves and asked me to cover up completely. As we started heading back to home, I asked my husband, why I don’t see any people on the roads.

It is very common in India to see people crossing roads everywhere. Chances are, you might even hit a man or a vehicle once a week. They move so close that you can literally shake hands while driving. Stray dogs, cattle, vendors, people fighting over petty things, people honking impatiently, two-wheeler riders wheeling their way from the gaps are the most common sights that one can witness on the roads.

But what am I seeing here? Nothing. No people, no cattle, no honks, no noise. Everything is silent and calm. My husband laughed and told me, that no one walks here on the roads. Really? It came as a shocker to me. The very first shock I got was that I couldn’t see people. That means, I need to make friends or go out to meet people. Or may be live in virtual world.

In real world, I heard many of my friends saying that they are jealous of my routine. My usual routine goes something like this. Wake up in the morning whenever I want. Make coffee. Have breakfast without hunger. Browse through movies to catch up with the ones I missed. Chat with friends online and silently cry. Call family and give them live coverage about the weather, movies, and menu and just about everything. Eat lunch just to not feel hungry. Wait for husband to come so that I can see some real faces in my life. Prepare dinner just because I have to. Eat dinner to increase my bloating. Watch movies again and again and again. And Go to bed just to wake up the next day aimlessly.

“When are you going to have kids? You are free now. You should have kids and use this time”, came an elderly suggestion from families and friends. Why do they think that I should procreate in the free time? I am free because I don’t have a choice. Not because I chose to.

“Go to the mall and spend time. Do some shopping”, suggested many of my friends who think they hardly get time to shop, as they are busy with work. Why should I shop? When should I wear those clothes? How will I go there? Whose money will I spend? There are many unanswered questions.

 “I get so frustrated,” says a friend, who also moved to the USA after getting married. “I can’t work. But this is how it is going to be”, she grins. My friend is one of the thousands of brides, who immigrate to this country after getting married.

I came to senses. I love this man. But do I really love my life? The answer is yes and no. I love being a married woman. I love being the wife of my husband. But I hate the very thought that I cannot work and earn my own bread. 

“Would you like to try chicken sandwich along with bread bowl and soup?” asked the waitress. “No thanks, I am a vegetarian”, I replied. “Oh honey. You don’t have much choice”, she said with empathy.

                                                      

Yes, I don’t have much choice. I am a just a veggie sandwich stuck for life between two worlds. 

The $1 lesson

"Can I borrow your flip-flops?", asked my niece. I reluctantly gave her my new/ never used/ never planning to use/ but back up flip-flops  I was scared that she might end up bare foot wearing those. But, I suppressed my fears and let her wear them. she waved good bye and started walking to a different country. Yeah, you heard me right. She wore my flip-flops and walked to Canada from USA!

Who imagined that those yellow flip-flops that I bought from a dollar store will travel to a different country. Yeah, dollar store. Now don't be judgmental. I know where to shop and what to shop. You see, we don't have to spend $$$ on something that we can get just for $1. That is the beauty of America. You will get everything for every price. You just need to know where to buy and what to buy.

While the summer is on, I imagined myself in shorts and flip-flops like most of the americans. So, while I was in a dollar store, I came across these beautiful yellow flip-flops. They were bright and shiny and were screaming to grab them. I did. I was more than happy to purchase them for $1 and not spend $10 like other stores.

But hey wait, I never wore them. I feared their quality. I was too scared to end up bare foot in the middle of nowhere. So, I never wore them and they were lying in my closet for 2 months. While we were in Niagara with my nieces, after playing in the water and soaking ourselves, we realised all our clothes and shoes were wet. But my nieces had plans to go to Canada.

Well, when you are in Niagara on US side, if you have a valid visa (or if you are an american citizen), you can go to Canada on foot. Yeah! As simple as that. One can literally walk over the bridge and go to a different country. Well, in my case, I am an immigrant. For me, crossing borders is out of question. Since my nieces are US citizens, they wanted to visit Canada. And one of them wore my flip-flops and in fact visited a different country. After she came back in few hours, she returned my flip flops and said, they were comfortable but stained her feet with yellow.

I took my flip-flops back, put them in the car and started thinking. Well, who imagined that something thats worth $1 will actually visit 2 different countries! I started realising how I underestimated my dollar flip-flops. May be this is how we underestimate most of the people and many situations. Just like my dollar store flip-flops, we never know who is worth what! A lesson learnt at the cost of $1. Now, I am not going to wear those flip-flops at all. They remain iconic in my life!

                    

angel who went back to heaven

Her almond shaped popping eyes, just emerging nose, genuine smile and a face to die for- would leave an everlasting impression on anyone. When I saw her picture, I thought it was a hoax. Just like any other spam on FB, doing its useless rounds in profiles. But, when I saw it again, I did my bit research and damn- It was for serious. She was missing for 3 days and a frantic search has been going on! How did I miss the news? Was I sleeping for 2 days? Whatever, I laid my eyes on the piece and started tracking and praying for the baby's return. 

No, I am not her relative, neighbour and I am noway related to her. Like 1000s of others, I was also praying for her safe return. For 3 days I was totally swamped by her thoughts. What was  her grandmother going through before she died. Did she try to protect her? Did she cry? Did she try to fight? A poor lady who is baby sitting her grand child just lost her life. 

What are her parents going through? Grieving with loss of mother or frantically searching for the baby? How are they managing the hell that just fell on them? I just prayed and wished them some positive energy. Probably, the most that any of us could offer!

While I was sleepless and trying to update myself with any news in the middle of the night, everything changed with a small piece of news. 

Baby Saanvi found dead! 

My heart sank inside pumping the tears  uncontrollably and fueling my rage. But within no time, the murderer was also caught.  What a cold blooded heart he is born with. Does he belong to a cult called Cannibalism? May be! 

My heart went out for the poor little baby. I would not even let her walk fearing she might fall down while trying to move. She is one of those babies, whom you would want to talk about after meeting/seeing her in a mall and tell your family, how you saw a beautiful baby that day. She is one of those, whose face leaves an unforgettable imprint on your mind. She is one those whom you would fall in love in first sight. 

Saanvi.  

I will never forget her. She will remain in my heart forever. In everyones heart- FOREVER!

                         

My heartfelt condolences to the baby. Tears and prayers :(

Painfully mine

I lie on bed folding my legs. My knees touching my chin. Part of my pillow is wet with my tears. My hands curled around my stomach trying to stop the deep twining pain. I try to move, but I can't. I hear sounds- may be my mother/father/sister/husband asking me to stop crying. They lie to me often by consoling that the pain will fade away in few minutes. Yes, just few minutes! Few minutes of excruciating pain! But going through the ordeal every month is no joke. And the name of the monster is Endometriosis. 

***********************************************

“The boss is calling you”. I heard the voice. Fingers crossed. I locked my computer, moved my chair, straightened my dress and knocked the glass door. I saw my boss watching TV. Yeah, in a TV channel, you are expected to watch TV 24x7, interpret what other channels are airing and then develop better programs than them. In a way, you are not stealing the ideas but just developing new ones on similar grounds. He asked me to come in and I greeted him.

“Which project are you working on”, he asked me with a smile on his face. My boss, with whom I just follow protocols like wishing and reporting, is a sane and highly intelligent man in my eyes. I had never interacted with him, though I find my colleagues share a laugh with him quite often. I am a nerd for him and I am fine with it.

“The one on Environmental Issues and nothing much”, I said anticipating some new project.

“How is your health now? Are you feeling any better?”

“Yes sir. I am doing alright”.

“I want you to take leave for at least 6 months. I see you taking off every month for 2-3 days. I think this will not work. May be you should take leave for 6 months, get well completely and come back to work”

“I think I will be fine without taking leave too. However I will think about it. Anything else?”

“No. That’s all for now. Let me know what you have decided”

I walked upto my desk, unlocked my computer, typed a letter and submitted it in the HR.

After I started packing my stuff, the HR and my boss came to me and asked if I took the decision consciously.

“My problem will continue for life long. It is not a 6 months affair. You better hire someone who is hail and healthy. And I wish you will not do this to anyone else”. I uttered expecting them to read between lines. I did not inform anyone and walked out of office. I started my bike and tears began to flow. I cried all the way till home. It is troubling me again. How much ever I try to fight, it takes over me. A reason for my downfall. The reason for the downfall is Endometriosis. 

************************************************

I woke up from a blissful sleep. I never slept so deeply in ages. I realized I wasn’t at home. The ceiling was different. I am on a different bed. The smell is familiar. Looks like a hospital. It took a while for me to recollect why I was there. Just when I was about to move, I had excruciating pain in my body. Everywhere. The doctor walked in and sat next to me.

“You have lot of tissue. We tried to remove most of it, but we could not remove all. I guess you have to go through the pain for life”.

These were the words I have been expecting to hear or not hear for over a decade. Stage 4 Endometriosis-the very reason for my abnormal pain every month. Again Endometriosis. 

**********************************************

I was 13 when the trouble started in my life. That evening, I was studying for my final exams when the pain started reaching peaks. I told my mother and she helped me by giving all those home remedies. But nothing worked. I cried the whole night and my mother took me to the school next day, to write the exams. I came back in the evening and realized I reached puberty.

Puberty- the life of a teenager with a troublesome period. The saga continued every month. Pain, nausea, vomiting, passing out. I could never understand why I had to go through these things while my peers never complained about anything. Every month was a new story. Once, I passed out in the bus stop. Once, I vomited in the railway station. Once, I cried in the principal’s room. The pain is devastating. No painkillers can suppress it. I was put on heavy medication for my age. Yet, no relief.

The doctors used to say that, it was all in my mind and I need to put it out. But I never understood how come I have pain in my abdomen and the doctor says it is in my mind. There is no genetic reason as none in my family had this. I wonder why I get such stuff in life out of blue but never a lottery. The pain would just happen to me during my exams, family occasions, travel and every time. It always hampered me from socializing. Writing exams. Attending interviews. I always met people with a heartburn, swollen belly, dizzy eyes and crumpled walk because of the pain and the painkillers.

I lost jobs because I often fall sick. At least through my colleagues’ understanding, I get fever or flu every month. It was not easy for me to discuss about my syndrome with my male colleagues. The bosses would never understand it either. They have wives, sisters and children but no one suffers this much. So, they would brush it off. It is stigmatic to explain why I need leave. While some thought, I take off because I am bored to work, some would assume I bluff talking about flu every month. I used to get all those expert suggestions from my colleagues who would recommend to have a full body check up in hospital, eat fruits every day, do yoga and be positive and some extremists even suggested I get married or have children for mental peace. I still doubt this option!

I could never explain to anyone how a tissue is feeding on my hormones inside my body and growing up at its will and troubling me every month. No one will understand. There were certain occasions that made me realize that -as a woman, I am strong, independent and confident. But this pain suppresses me to the core and makes me vanish for days leaving no traces of my existence. No, I cannot let it happen to me. Pain is an understatement for what I go through every month. I need to overcome this. Overcome something that alters my personality. Overcome something that kills me. Overcome something that weakens me and makes me cry. Just overcome it.

It took nearly 10 years for me to understand the dynamics of the pain and my very own lifestyle. I slowly started to enjoy my painful days by sleeping, reading books, catching up on movies that I missed. I realized that, by lying on bed I could do 100s of things. I no more cry of pain. May be because I know I have to deal with it. The pain never pains me anymore. My tolerance level increased in folds. May be the very reason why I never cry because of any physical pain. Now, I have my own time every month. 3 complete days for myself. I read, watch movie or just sleep. I eagerly look forward for those 3 painful days, where the pain forcefully makes me take rest. I overcame a chronicle that is going to be with me for another 20 years. I am assured, for another 20 years, that no matter what, I have my own 3 days every month- painfully mine.  

4 on a scooter

"sit down. I can't see. move ahead. Ohh-don't move. close your eyes when there is dust" some common commands often uttered by my father while driving. he is not an F1 racer, but driving a scooter with a kid in the front- sitting on the tip of the seat, another in the back with hands around his waists- sandwiched between wife and himself, and wife at the back guarding the kid with one hand around the kid and the other holding the "stefani" (spare tire) -was no less than a circus feat. 2 seats but 4 people seated on them- Another luxury of a middle class family. No, we are not poor to walk or to travel by buses. We are not rich to buy a car or take an auto rickshaw. We are from middle class and we are pretty comfortable to squeeze ourselves and "adjust" in just 2 seats. We can stretch once we get down or take frequent breaks while driving for a long distance (more than 15kms). In between, we also buy veggies and put them in the front storage or underneath the seat onto the left. A typical middle class-mode of transport. May be thats how, I learnt to "adjust", "compromise" and "share". 

My father and mother would allow us to change our seats. Until we grew taller (I am 5'7'' and my sister is 5'9"), we tried to travel together on our Bajaj Priya scooter. In early 80s, having a scooter was a luxury. Yes, not many families who resided in colonies (which are slowly diminishing) had any vehicle. We were often called as the 'white scooter family'. Or my father would say, "just enter the street and keep walking. Once you see a white scooter parked outside the house, thats our house!" Such an easy navigation technique which doesn't require any GPS or Maps. All it needs is a mark and that's our scooter. 

Now, why am I talking about scooter here? May be because am reliving those good old days and remembering how a family of four travelled to different places within city limits together on a scooter. This particular machine took us to schools, hospitals, helped us in socialising and always made sure we 4 are together. 

One thing that I distinctly remember was the horn of our scooter. We would say from a distance that my father was coming home. My mother always wondered how we could recognise our scooter horn? May be thats the bond between horn and ear. The sound of the horn would alert us and we would pretend to either study or start having food to make a picture in front of my father. That horn also had  many meanings. If my father blew it twice, that means, we should hurry up and come out soon. If my father honked it once, that means he is home. If my father honked it several times, that means "kisi ki baji". 

incidents like puncture, breakage of clutch wire, oozing oil, airless tire were so common that they virtually made me a mechanic. I would help my father in fixing a flat tire, or changing oil. I knew how to open the oil tank and how to much to fill up. Since, the scooter had gears, my father made a rule that he would buy me a "sunny" only after I drive the scooter and also make a turn without keeping my legs down. Alas! I did it. So, in a way, my scooter helped me in my promotion too. I always miss it especially the small rides with my father to the nearby veggie market or a small shopping center. 

Nowadays when I see the HOV (High Occupancy Vehicle) boards on US highways I can't stop laughing. The sign board says HOV 2 that means, any vehicle which has 2 or more passengers have special lanes which are often vacant. In those terms, what is our scooter called as? a plane? no wonder!

Icing on cake - Our scooter had number plate which says- AAG- that means 'Fire' (aag in hindi)

(courtesy- google images)

Fork in the road

“What are you aspiring to become when you grow old?”

“Oh my grand daughter will be a bureaucrat”

“We want to her to be a doctor”

“I think she should study engineering, there are plenty of seats available in every college and she can also earn lot of money”

“Your horoscope says you will be a scientist”

“You should probably become a singer because you sing well”

These sounds always haunted me. When I reached my teens, everybody except me, had dreams about my career. Who ever visited our house, would ask me what I wanted to become! I am not sure if they would seriously help me, if I say that I wish to become a sky diving instructor. But they definitely want to know what I would become and then give me some lecture about, “how I should study well and dream about my future” and then leave peacefully to their houses after they dump all their frustration on me. They do it, may be because their kids never listen to them, or may be it gives them some psychological satisfaction and a feel of achievement when they throw free knowledge!

Whatever it was, these rhyming sounds of what I would become always haunted me! I was literally smothered by the very idea of “no-idea-what-to-do” after I grow up. As a kid, I was into many cultural activities like singing, dancing, theater and each time I performed on stage, the spectators would assume, I would become a legend in the respective field. My extended family thought I would become a bureaucrat because; having a car in the household and some power in hand always fantasized them. They always slept through my eyes and dreamt through their minds.

In high school, there were many choices as to what to choose for college. When I saw my friends how clear they were in their vision, it surprised me. I always wonder how they know what they wanted to do. Either a doctor or an engineer! They know what to choose between these 2, because these two professions were trends at that time and also moneymaking jobs. I felt very suffocated with just 2 options. I wanted more. I never saw myself fitting into those shoes because I never wanted those shoes in first place! Yet, I dint know what I want.

I still remember the incident when my mother and I were having a conversation about a dress.

“Mom, I think I will wear it during my graduation days”

“Oh, so you want to do just some degree and not medicine?” my mom said instantly.

“Oh my, when did I say that?” I choked

“You just said that you want to wear it in your graduation, but you dint say that you will wear it for medical college” she grumped.

I instantly realized that I have to be real careful while choosing words and should not just mention whatever comes into my mind. Yet, it was very difficult for me to concentrate on many things. Days went by and finally the time came when I had to make a decision what my major would be. I thought I should also aspire to become a doctor like my father! Oh no, don’t get me wrong; my father is not a doctor. He too always aspired to become a doctor like my grandfather who served in military as a doctor. So, the concept of aspirations started form my father and inherited to me. Eventually my father never became a doctor!

But I love to become a doctor and I know it is a difficult task to pass the medical exams. It is no less than rocket science for me. I wasn’t pretty sure, if I can grill myself to become a doctor like my peers, who study for 18 hours a day. I can hardly keep my eyes on the books for 5 long minutes. 18 hours is a nightmare for me.

I can’t try in theaters because, my parents for who even movie posters are a matter of disgrace, having their daughter in theaters is an insult! They will disown me if I reveal my intentions. What about becoming a bureaucrat. I felt becoming a doctor was much easier. Options like singing and dancing- ah no, they don’t fetch me any money.

Apparently, I chose to become a doctor and majored in biological sciences. My real nightmares started then. I saw my peers studying like aliens. They don’t know what they have to eat for lunch, but they definitely know how the rat’s digestive system works.

I tried to make a few friends in my class, but no one was interested because I always claimed that becoming a doctor is a funny thing and knowing what we are, we should not be doing it. I was poor in understanding the plants and animals and also my classmates. I could never draw pictures. I argued with my lecturer in zoology class when he tried to make fun of Amoeba (shapeless single less creature) drawn by me. He mentioned in the class that he never saw such a shapeless creature. I claimed that amoeba is a shapeless creature and we can draw it the way we want!

My botany lecturer made a huge red mark in my answer sheet one day and showed it to me asking what it was. Her face frowned when I mentioned that it was a potato.

“Potato??” She asked me with her eyebrows in air.

“Yes mam, it is a potato” I replied.

“But potato doesn’t look like this. It is neither round, nor toroid, what is this?”

“Mam, that’s why it is a potato. A shapeless vegetable!”

She gave me zero marks and warned me to learn how to draw.

These incidents made a deep impact on me. I realized that becoming a doctor was not just my cup of tea. After swimming through many such hard waves, I finally reached the shore, but just a different shore. Definitely not the one I had to reach. But who cares, a shore is a shore. If things were so sure, then even Columbus and Vasco De Gama might not have discovered USA and India respectively. So, a shore is a shore.

My parents were more than upset, as I could not become a doctor. But the real forks in road appeared now. What to do in life? I had to choose between 2 major careers. Either become a microbiologist or choose a different path. I chose the different one. I chose the road hardly travelled. I assured my father that I wish to become the first of all than one in many.

I chose to become an environmentalist. The road hardly travelled by any. If not for this fork in the road, I would not have become what I am today. An ardent environmentalist, a young achiever and a researcher in a prestigious Environmental school. These were just few of many credentials that I acquired for having to take a right decision when I had to. Now all my classmates are just doctors! But I travelled around the world, met people, did assignments, achieved many degrees and awards.

Today -I am what I am.

My first job as a Tutor

Just like any other student, I always wished I had my pocket money for little expenses. But, it wasn’t like that in my life. My parents always made sure that I finished my education before I took up any job. So, going to job was a big no-no, until I am done with my studies and I had no choice but to wait to finish my college.

But things changed when I saw a small ad calling for tutors. I attended the interview and my happiness new no bounds when I was offered a job as a tutor to teach pre-school students. I thought I could cover my expenses and also interact with the kids and have fun together. So, it was catering my needs to go to college, earn money for sweet nothings and also have fun with kids. I could not ask for more!

Finally the day arrived when I had to go for tutoring. My nerves were acting up with excitement and my legs were trembling. Probably, I could have had a nervous breakdown if I were to teach in college. I convinced myself that all would be well as I was to teach small kids and need not worry about my skill and talent. Hardly I knew that I was about to hit a beehive!

My first day started off with my introduction to the kids and helping them with their homework. It was a hassle free day and I went home with ease of mind. As usual, the next day was quite normal and I went to teach the kids. But, things were not the same. It seems, the kids ganged up even before I arrived and had some conspiracy against me! Least I knew what was going to happen to me.

As soon as I arrived, the kids greeted me and I asked them open their books to complete their homework. I was too tired as it was a hectic day in college. Unknowingly I yawned and a kid started laughing loudly. I was embarrassed and apologized and asked them to resume their work. Suddenly one of the kids said she had some questions for me. I was curious to know what they were and asked her to shoot them.

She asked me who my favourite movie star in the movies is. I had a lump in my throat as it was least expected and I did not know how to handle it. But I convinced her that I would answer her if she finished her homework. Then 4 other kids said, they wanted to ask me questions and would complete homework only after I answer them all. I had no clue what to do. I agreed to their demands and they bombarded me with questions like my favourite movie star, favourite song and least did I expect when they asked me to sing! I had to agree to their demands and convince them every time. Finally after a grueling session, I was relieved from the interrogation and I requested them to complete their work. After I went home, I felt elated that I could carry some memories from the incident. But least did I know that there were more on the way.

Days went by and gradually I developed an unknown bonding with my kids. Everyday there were new dynamics, new discussions and new things. I still remember the day when I went to the class in a hurry and skipped my lunch. My tummy was hurling with hunger pangs and in between conversations, I told my kids that I dint have food that afternoon and so I was feeling hungry. Next day, one of the kids brought a small box of sweets and told me that I can have the food and need not feel hungry anymore. The gesture was so heart touching that not only did it fill my heart and stomach but also left unforgettable imprints that small gestures matter in life.

If not for this job, I would not have learnt this lesson in my life. It is so true that we come across many situations and people in life. But very few of them leave imprints that remain in our memories forever. The kid was hardly 6 years old, but she left an unforgettable memory that even after a decade it is afresh in my mind and I can relive it whenever I want.

My first job as a tutor to little kids taught me lessons of life. Everyday was a new learning and every dialogue and discussion was teaching me something. I thought of teaching the kids, but in return, I learnt many things that were never taught outside. My memories of those small and tiny gestures are unforgettable. I always love my first job.

Economically Green Child

While the global market is sinking and crying out loud in the name of recessions, there is one sure shot trend of economy, which will never sink! Let it be tsunami, typhoon or an earthquake! This economy never sinks and with each threshold, it shoots up. I call it Green Economy. Yeah, you heard me right. I have seen it for decades and I never saw it sinking or suffering turbulence unlike other forms of economy. Let me explain my story and how I have been part of this never sinking Green Economy aka Environmental Economy.

While girls of my age enjoyed playing board games and doll up Barbie, I enjoyed climbing trees and inspecting the gardens. Life for me, has been very exciting and I always stood out in the crowd for the way my mind works. I still remember the day when my teacher made a remark in my progress report saying “Intelligent. Smart but Talkative”. No one imagined, I will turn out to be a good speaker over the period of time giving lectures on being green and eco friendly. No wonder, I was chosen by All India Radio to sing a song- wait - not classical or a folk song. It is a song on protecting environment. Again, I had no clue why I was singing a song on how I wanted to plant trees and protect environment! As I grew up, I started having tough time with the juggling numbers in Mathematics. I never understood why Newton was not hungry enough to eat the apple and not burden me with Laws. The polymerization techniques in chemistry surely annoyed me. I was amnestic for history to study about wars and industrialisation. But there was one chapter, which had an imprint on my mind. I enjoyed reading every word in it and still remember how food chains and ecosystems work. When my idlebrain could not make it to a Medicine seat, my father was more than worried about how I would establish my career. The course in Environmental Management drew my eyes and there I go! Not an engineer or a doctor, but I intended to become an environmentalist. A Graduation, Masters, Mphil and 2 diplomas there was no looking back.

Every Individual is a born environmentalist. There is no surprise if I say earth has 6 billion environmentalists (this is a blog and not a scientific report. So, excuse me for stats). What if every one of us takes a small pledge and contribute a little to drink clean water and see clear sky and let the ice caps be themselves and not melt. We can help the Green Economy multiply day by day and increase the sustainability.

I enjoy being an environmentalist where I need not bother about the AC rooms, laptops with internet and dresses to wear to the work place. All I need to care about is to save mother earth from getting perished and let the public know the difference between Need and Greed. I am doing my part. What about you?

People say my blog is 'info-taining'. So, here I end with an ancient Sanskrit note which is dated (not radioactively) to 1000 years-

"Vriksho Rakshathi Rakshitaha"- Save the trees, you will be saved by them.

Go green buddies. Save the economy, yeah you heard me right, the Green Economy.

came out of web

How I came out of an addiction called FB. It is amazing. Now, I don't even feel like checking the posts and commenting on those unnecessary posts which are posted by people suffering from attention deficit disorder. Earlier, I had the habit of checking mails and wandering on FB checking the videos, reading the shared messages, status messages. But every morning was not a pleasant one! sometimes, when I came across posts with disturbing messages including hatred on religion, racism, personal abuses, pictures with half body, amputated, blood and stuff, it was very scary and often disturbing for me. Atleast, I always believed in pleasant and healthy mornings and happy ending in the nights.

But at the back of mind, I always had those posts through out my day, and they always triggered my self conscious to react! knowing my personality, I always wondered how I kept calm most of the times. But, it surely affected my life in many ways. heated arguments, hatred messages, unwanted discussions, disturbing posts......you just cant escape from them.

once you are in the web, you are caught for good. hence, i came out and trust me, i have full life now. my options for hobbies just increased rapidly and somehow, i realised that i have 100 other things to do when compared to that stupid FB wandering. may be it works well with networking. but life doesn't stop there and I cant control. with 750+ friends (?), i could never control what they posted. and one disturbing post in anytime of the day, my whole day i screwed.

so get a life! i got it now! ;)

The small thin indian wedding

Contrary to the "big fat Indian wedding" tag, my blog, probably is the story of cheapest wedding anyone ever had in life. Even, an eloped wedding might have costed the price of travel by train, bus and minimal logistics. But, the wedding that I am going to talk about, is the cheapest possible Indian wedding. You will be stunned at the total cost and this can happen! Read further for an interesting story.

After the traditional wedding, My husband and I, went to Registrar office to register our marriage. So technically, we were getting married for the second time. Our parents joined us to be the witnesses. Now, don't ask me how much we spent in our traditional wedding. I must say, it was quite minimal, as mine and my husband's family- both are generous and understood the hiccups associated with getting married big way. So we kept it simple and 'strictly close friends and family affair'. So, following the wedding, came the procedure to register it. Usually, everybody has this picture that the registrar office will take time, money and blah blah.

We took our wedding pictures and went to the registrar office. The office assistant asked me to fill a form. We bought the form for Rs 10 and filled it. After our parents signed the form as witnesses, he asked to fix a stamp. It costed us Rs 2. We did. After 15 minutes, we received our marriage certificates!

My father was still apprehensive. He was asking me if I need to pay 'some' amount. We were reluctant and confused whom to ask if we have to pay "extra" amount. But everyone was doing ones job. It is their duty to grant us a marriage certificate. And we got it. So, whom shall we pay extra amount and for what??? I said, no need to pay anybody and we left the office with our certificates in hand.

So, the total cost of the wedding was Rs 12. Probably, the least amount paid by any married couple and it is the actual price! So, next time, when you go to any "sarkari" office, make sure you pay the right amount. No need to feed the already stuffed mouths and rotten stomachs.

Be right and do right.

a lesson to learn

While, the whole nation is going rage over corruption, I am here to contribute my own little part. Sharing this story which might inspire you!

It happened to me 2 years ago (2009). I was going to a post office (Begumpet, Hyderabad) which was pretty close to where I lived. I thought of walking instead of driving, as it would take me more time in horrendous traffic. So, walking for 5 minutes was a better option for me in many ways. Since I was going there for the first time, I had to ask someone to get the directions. All I had to do was, cross the road and take the bridge (above Begumpet MMTS station). As simple as that!

As I started walking, I could not figure out how to get off the bridge. Since the traffic was heavy, I assumed, everybody crosses through the station bridge. I entered the station and took the inside bridge to the opposite platform. As I was about to exit, the Ticket collector approached me and asked for the ticket.

I told him, I was just crossing the bridge. He said, I need to take the outside bridge, not the inside one and since, I entered the train station, I need to show him a ticket. I apologised and said, I am ready to pay for it.

He said, as I don't have a ticket, I am unauthorised to use the platform. So, he gave me a penalty of Rs 200 for wrongfully entering the train station (read it as local train station with just 2 platforms).

As I came out of the station, I was bit upset as I had to pay Rs 200 for unknowingly entering the station. But I had a satisfaction, as I stood by the law. I paid the penalty sans nepotism. Yes, both my parents have been working for Indian Railways since 30+ years and they are now in very good positions!

A mistake is a mistake and it has no exceptions.

I stand by law. I am against corruption. What about you?

Swathi Sriram

W-turn in my life

ahem ahem....i know its been too long. corrupted lappy, almost left job, wedding chaos, new husband and a new country...everything put me in a loop of "the busy life" and made me very very busy without any work and pay. i almost stopped visiting blogs and that depressed me further.

My life took a "W" turn, yes not just "U" turn, but I call it W turn -as the changes are totally irreversible and I cant even look back. life changed miraculously and like many women, i am referring different dictionaries to understand the meaning of this so called new life. :)

from salwar suits to saris, rupees to dollars, single to mingled, afternoon wake up to early morning wake up...everything is so new. Infact my flight from Hyd itself was memorable. As usual, my plane thing was a bit adventurous but I landed quite safely to my hubby's surprise.

Since my first step, I brought snow storm within a week. i remotely remember buying any sweater during my stay in India. My hometown has just 2 seasons- summer and peak summer. But this land seems quite different. While I was flexible in my clothing in India from sleeveless to capris, I am supposed to wear, rather drape myself completely. While I survived on Maggie and Pizzas in India, I am living on rice and variety of sabjis made at home (cooked by me). While I saw lambs, chicken, goats, cattle and many other animals on the roads and next to our houses, I see them in different forms in the menu cards (grrr)! Roads are empty, I hardly see anyone crossing the road, jumping the big/huge dividers, gossiping outside houses...

Most of the world I see is- through the window pane of our car and I am forgetting to walk.

While I am trying to adjust to my new life, I am also giving some surprises to my hubby (he calls them shocks- but I dont care!). I washed his - never washed- Iphone in washing machine...and promised him more and more services in the future.

Life is totally new for me here and am going through slight culture shock. Wish me good luck!

nowadays

aww it feels so good to be back in this space. let me tell you, i have been terribly busy with my work, personal life and everything....

lots of things have been happening nowadays...all my friends are getting married left and right...they are taking no time in choosing their partners as if the world is coming to an end!

now i have a roomy who is a good cook and am becoming lazier day by day.

i learned to burn maggie. yes i always thought, i excelled in preparing maggie, but lately i realised, am not that good; when i burnt it to ashes..

i am now pressing 9read it as ironing) clothes without burning them. my sister always complained that i leave the folds and run the iron box next to them..now i have started wearing nylon ones which do not need special ironing and burning

now i watch a lot of tv. serials on 'colours' are so good...i watch them...i dont feel like missing them at all even if i watch them after 2-3 months..the story, plot, sets, clothes and the expressions remain the same.

almost stopped watching movies, as i am financially not sound to spend 300-500 bucks and feed the producers for their worst ever flicks. sorry, i have grown to be intelligent.

theres sale everywhere and i spent my life savings on clothes. imagine, its sale..or else, i have to take another birth to complete my debts

my hunt for my man ended and my left ear is dead. (dont ask me anything here....questions mana hai)

still reading kite runner and am trying my level best to finish it...hopefully, i will do it in this birth and before khalid hosseini sends me a letter asking me to stop reading it.

my virtual life on facebook is very entertaining. i am loving the way people fight, love, comment on each other. my farm dried and i guess some real estate broker grabbed it too....

oh yeah...have been traveling alot. within Andhra, India and yes, i have been to srilanka (international trip) and you have to clap for this....i laugh at it when my friends ask me for a party for this, so-called international trip....the to and fro tickets cost is way less than the party cost. thanks, i have no interest in throwing a party.

am learning car driving for the nth time...this time, am sure, am gonna take risk (i should say i am gonna give risk to the other drivers)

am doing talk shows (have been doing) and finally after so much time, one random man recognised me on the road,.....yuppiesss i wanted to threw a biiiiigggg partyyyy lol

my samsung slide phone is dead...it screamed, yelled and died after i smashed it on the floor. bohhahaha....i enjoyed doing it and now i dont have anyone's number..and i need not call or call back when i get a call (areyy mere phone mein display nahi hai..mein ya karu?)

and more and more after i recollect....
afteral am growing old and becoming rhajini ....memory problem hai bhai..maaf kar do!

middle-class mentality!

we went to another pathetic movie and spent nearly Rs400. after coming out, we repented and some thoughts smothered me. i wish i spent those 400 bucks on something else...like...
1) i would have paid one month rent for milk (and still save some more money)
2) paid one month electricity bill
3) bought petrol for my scooty for 3 weeks
4) bought a nice dress for me or sari for mom, or something else for my sis and dad
5) bought nice hand bag (which will last for atleast a year) or a pair of shoes
6) had nice food outside
7) bought gas for cooking for the whole month
8) gave as charity for the needy
9) sponsored education for a child
10) distributed fruits to the hunger
11) go for nice facial in a parlour
12) paid my monthly telephone/internet bill
13) and lots more.....

i hail from a middle class family where our parents tried to provide us all the comforts but not luxuries. we were taught to live with a respect and use money carefully. for us...spending Rs100 wasnt a big thing...but surely we did the cost benefit analysis and the risk assessment involved in spending a green note. i dont know if you all agree with my thought or not...but i definitely feel bad when i go for unnecessary expenditure...after all, there are so many people in this world for whom a single grain, single penny and piece of cloth matter alot.
i sometimes laugh at myself when i do so much of cost benefit analysis for tiny things and get depressed when i find huge losses and no gains..lol
i call it middle-class mentality!

tear drops in the corners of my eyes

tear drops in the corners of my eyes..
whether to shed down or dry inside
in dilemma of my personality
a very sensitive woman in me and the strength that challenges male ego


tear drops in the corners of my eyes...
the sensitive woman in me wants them out
emotions pushing them from my body
trying to vent the pain and sadness- blow out
a search for a shoulder to cry on
a warm hug to dry my wet eyes
a soft touch to stop the trembling of my hands...
i have no one....and want the tears to let out...
the drops still hanging in the corners of my eyes...

tear drops in the corners of my eyes
the strength in me is shouting loud
no...you have to deal it..
my boldness and vigor holding the tears back
asking me to fight the situation...
my shoulders are my support system
my dry heart is enough to evaporate my tears
i held my trembling hands and said loudly..
yes i shall fight it out...i shall not waste tears on someone..
i am bold and i am strong
tears in the corners are finally sucked inside

tear drops in the corners of my eyes
yes..i have not wasted them....
i fought on my own and stood out...