I was a very confident kid. I never had any ounce of doubt on my self-worth. But I also knew and was well aware, that, there will always be people who can defeat me in everything. I never felt low or incompetent at any point.
However, life is not always the same. My education and career in India were very different. I was probably one of the many few choices any organization would have, and I was never turned away from any employment. In a way, I had a choice to pick and choose my employer and I had the final say.
But life in USA is nothing like I expected. I am one of the many 1000s that is competing for a position. I had to prove time and again that I am worth it. But I failed all the time! I doubted if it was my age or ethnicity or educational background or something else that I am unable to see. Is my resume so bad? Did I not put enough colors? Did I not convey enough? Am I not suitable for the position? Do they even know I exist? Did they even read my resume?
I would apply for 100s of jobs every week and by the weekend, I would be frustrated and exhausted. My health was not supporting me well enough to be emotionally and physically stable. Every week, it was a battle with potential employers. I would give 2-3 interviews per week and wait for 2-3 weeks to hear from them. Each email would give me bad news on how they found a better person than me and how I was good enough but not just the best enough! I was crushed and felt defeated every single week.
Sometimes, I knew along the interview that I was not getting picked. The interviewers would ask me questions that would not make any sense. But I still sat through them because it is my job and I never know! I would cry after the interviews and of course move on.
One interview that pushed me into oblivion was where I received a call from a potential employer asking about my availability for a Graduate assistant position. It was a part time position where I am expected to do some administration and office work such as making copies, filing and other simple tasks. I was ok with it, because anything that can pay my bills would work. I was interviewed by two people for almost 30-45 minutes. I was very confident that I would be chosen because the job required just making copies! Who wouldn't be able do that? Alas, I received an email telling me how they found a better candidate than me and that I was not right fit for the position. This email through me into the darkest hole.
From having zero doubts on my ability to doubting my simplest ability to even making copies and filing papers...I was skeptical about my intelligence, talent and just everything about me. I cried the whole weekend and swore to myself that I would never work again. I took a break from applying to the jobs for a fortnight. I was scared of opening job portals as I did not want to hear that I was not competent enough.
But bills are coming, and my sadness won't suffice. So, I gathered up my courage and started reapplying. I would motivate myself and start afresh every week. I would pray and show confidence even while applying. My husband, friends and family always encouraged me and told me how something would come up eventually. I would talk to other people on how they managed situations like these and learn from them. This was a continuous process for me every single week! I would tell myself that- sometimes, it takes time for the right things to happen. But they will happen.
The saga continued until I heard from one employer saying, "Congratulations". That was the breaking point. It is my current employer, and I am in the happiest place at the moment. I got 3 more offers after I said yes to my current employer.
I was right. Sometimes, it takes time. There will always be someone who would recognize our worth. We will find our happy place. We will find our worth.
Through the process, we feel defeated, unwanted, thrown into the darkest hole and face criticism that we would not expect. But this is part of the churning process that has a bright light at the end. We need to be aware that we will find that place and people who would recognize our worth.
Stay strong. Know you are unique, and you have a place.
